With all of the glut of discussion on the topic of marital breakups, it sometimes seems as though almost all of the attention is focused on the impact on the women. Rarely is there any serious look at the negative impact that divorces can have on the men involved in such separations. The fact is that there are probably a number of very good explanations for why there has been very little attention paid to the male perspective on divorce.
The sad fact is that men often fail to talk about their feelings about breakups, due to a combination of learned behaviors and society-imposed expectations. Few men spend a lot of time talking about their feelings with their friends, so they often end up internalizing their anguish. This has led to a somewhat common belief that marriage breakups have less of an impact on the men involved. That's simply not the case.
For one thing, any marriage dissolution can leave the man feeling like a failure. The fact is that men, for better or worse, are often judged for what they do rather than who they are. When they fail at anything, they tend to internalize that failure and it can diminish their sense of self-worth. And let's face it: for most people, divorce represents the ultimate failure.
As the marriage completely disintegrates, men can lose an identity that often centers around their chief role as the husband in a happy union. That role often provides the central focus of many men's identities, even when they have great careers or other interests. The loss of that marital role can send men scrambling to discover exactly what their identity is without the easy definition provided by marriage.
This feeling of being without a clear identity can be exasperated even more when there are children involved. Since many divorces end with the mother as primary custodian, the man's relationship with his children can be negatively impacted. This can lead to both grief and anger for those fathers, since their paternal needs are often left unmet.
That grief creates an entirely new set of problems, since many men are ill-equipped to properly manage such deep sadness. Women spend lifetimes developing social bonds that are often based upon the sharing of intimate thoughts and feelings. Men are often taught that such interactions with other men are a sign of weakness. Without a proper way to vent those feelings, divorced men hold their emotions in, and can end up drinking heavily or engaging in other harmful activities.
Depression can often follow. As that settles in, men withdraw from friends and family, sinking farther into their own minds. That can lead to stress, high blood pressure, and other physical difficulties. Without the emotional outlet many women enjoy, men tend to suffer alone and in silence.
The old myths about men not being negatively affected by marriage breakups are just that: myths. Until society begins to recognize the deep impact that divorces can have on the men involved, divorced husbands will never obtain the understanding and attention they need to successfully recover from the trauma of a failed marriage.
The sad fact is that men often fail to talk about their feelings about breakups, due to a combination of learned behaviors and society-imposed expectations. Few men spend a lot of time talking about their feelings with their friends, so they often end up internalizing their anguish. This has led to a somewhat common belief that marriage breakups have less of an impact on the men involved. That's simply not the case.
For one thing, any marriage dissolution can leave the man feeling like a failure. The fact is that men, for better or worse, are often judged for what they do rather than who they are. When they fail at anything, they tend to internalize that failure and it can diminish their sense of self-worth. And let's face it: for most people, divorce represents the ultimate failure.
As the marriage completely disintegrates, men can lose an identity that often centers around their chief role as the husband in a happy union. That role often provides the central focus of many men's identities, even when they have great careers or other interests. The loss of that marital role can send men scrambling to discover exactly what their identity is without the easy definition provided by marriage.
This feeling of being without a clear identity can be exasperated even more when there are children involved. Since many divorces end with the mother as primary custodian, the man's relationship with his children can be negatively impacted. This can lead to both grief and anger for those fathers, since their paternal needs are often left unmet.
That grief creates an entirely new set of problems, since many men are ill-equipped to properly manage such deep sadness. Women spend lifetimes developing social bonds that are often based upon the sharing of intimate thoughts and feelings. Men are often taught that such interactions with other men are a sign of weakness. Without a proper way to vent those feelings, divorced men hold their emotions in, and can end up drinking heavily or engaging in other harmful activities.
Depression can often follow. As that settles in, men withdraw from friends and family, sinking farther into their own minds. That can lead to stress, high blood pressure, and other physical difficulties. Without the emotional outlet many women enjoy, men tend to suffer alone and in silence.
The old myths about men not being negatively affected by marriage breakups are just that: myths. Until society begins to recognize the deep impact that divorces can have on the men involved, divorced husbands will never obtain the understanding and attention they need to successfully recover from the trauma of a failed marriage.
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